TONSTICALS

Written June 1, 2005

I had my tonsils out, right after I got through with finals. I can't say i recommend the procedure. After the surgery, while I was laying in the hospital bed, still all fucked up from the anesthesia, the doctor comes in with my left tonsil in a jar. He told me it was the biggest one he had seen in five years. From what i remember, taking into account the state of mind i was in, my tonsil was roughly the size and shape of a testical. A bloody lump that they cut out of me with a fucking knife! How is that the preferred method of treatment? Isn't there some sort of salve or holistic healing method that would help me out with chronic tonsilitis? Anyway, the recovery period for an adult tonisillectomy is two fucking weeks. Two weeks of being incapacitated during the short span of time that I have between semesters. I was on liquid Lortab and amoxicillin, and it still fucking killed me. Sidenote: When you've just had your tonsils out, the last thing anyone can say to you to make you feel better is "Well, now you get all the ice cream you want!" The ice cream is not some cureall for a gaping hole on the inside of your neck. In fact, the doctor told me not to eat ice cream because of the extreme temperature shift or some shit.

Oh yeah. I also had this wedding to attend. Not just attend, actually. I was a groomsman. The groom was a friend that I have known my whole life. Anyway, before the ceremony, all of the attendants went downstairs to the bar and ordered shots. I didn't think it would be a good idea to dowse the open sores in my throat with tequila, so I came up with the bright idea of doing a shot of my liquid Lortab. Turns out, drinking 2 ounces of codeine and then standing up for a long period of time is a bad idea. I bowed my head for a prayer in the middle of the ceremony, and when I lifted my head afterwards, I blacked out. All I remember is the sound my hard soles made on the wood floor and my head hitting the ground. When i came to, all I saw was the groom with a big grin on his face. Unfortunately, noone got it on video. At least it was entertaining. Hell, if it had been someone else, I would have thought it was a riot.

Summation: Painkillers are fun, but not fun enough to justify major oral surgery.

THREE YEARS LATER, AND NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT


Well, its been quite some time since I have written anything for this pitiful little corner of the internet, but due to the constant prodding of parties who will remain nameless, I have made my triumphant return. But, fear not! I remain a cynical and unwavering fink with an extreme distaste for pretty much everyone. A lot has happened in three years. On several occasions, I probably should have died from alcohol poisoning or some other poor decision on my part. Unfortunately, one event that has not yet happened is my graduation from the esteemed University of Kansas. Due to illness and constant procrastination I have almost made it a six year ordeal. Lets hear it for general apathy! Alas, my undergraduate career will come to an end in May, barring some unseen monkey wrench. Lack of money prohibits me from drinking large amounts of whiskey these days, but perhaps that is a good thing. Only time will tell. Thats all for tonight. See you in three years.